“Real communication happens when we feel safe” (Ken Blanchard – The Heart of a Leader)
Not making time to listen with your heart is a huge barrier to effective communication. To achieve understanding and ultimately oneness, time needs to be invested in any relationship to enable empathic listening. Empathic people learn to see things through others’ eyes rather than filtered through their own autobiographies or philosophies. They know how to hold their tongue by not forcing their own stories, advice, judgement, or opinions on others. Medical Doctor, Noah Gilson, relates the following experience with one of his patients:
“The wheelchair-bound young man was pushed to the lectern at the high school to deliver his commencement address. His face still partially paralysed, he spoke in a soft voice. But Mark Orsini delivered a powerful speech and received a standing ovation from his fellow students, who had wondered if he’d live to graduate. The eighteen-year-old had developed Guillain-Barre syndrome, an autoimmune reaction that can cause paralysis. Soon he was almost completely paralysed. His parents insisted that he was a fighter; he’d get through this and go on to attend Dartmouth. But meanwhile, immobile and on a ventilator, how was he going to ask questions or be involved in his care?
The solution was remarkable: The Orsini’s would sit at Mark’s side and recite the alphabet. When they got to a letter Mark needed to spell a word, he’d nod “yes”. They’d write it down, then start over and wait for him to nod again. They never lost patience, and Mark was involved with every decision. Standard therapy hadn’t helped, so I proposed a risky procedure to filter his blood. After the treatment he showed improvement, and soon he could move his toes, his legs, and his arms.
Mark has graduated from Dartmouth. I saw him in my office some time ago, and he was feeling great. But there was a lot left unsaid. I wanted to say I was in awe of him, and that his parents were some of the most amazing people I’d ever met, sitting by his bed for hours, patiently listening to their child speak, letter by letter. I wanted to tell him of my shame when my children tried to talk to me, and I brushed them off because I didn’t have time to listen. I wanted to say I’d never forget him or his parents. But words failed me.”
(“It’s About Time” – Everyday Greatness, Readers Digest)
At the pace the world is moving, time is at a premium and efficiency seems to be everyone’s objective. But empathy takes time, and ‘efficiency’ is for things, not people. Mark’s parents were more than willing to take the time for their son, and the results were profound.
Empathy is the tool of care. Dr Stephen R Covey notes: “All the best listening ‘techniques’ in the world pale in comparison to the impact that truly caring about a person can have on a listening exchange. Added to that is a measure of integrity and of inward personal security, because empathy involves being vulnerable and at risk. If our security is not deep down within us, we cannot afford that much risk, that much vulnerability. So, while listening skills might represent the tip of an iceberg, a character base of caring, integrity, and inner security would form the much larger, unseen portion of the iceberg that lies beneath the water”.
